2 Week Synopsis

It's been awhile since I blogged here. Due to the massive cleaning for the healing mass, the healing mass itself, my poconos vacation, and my cousins staying over the weekend..i guess i barely had anytime to get my thoughts together and figure out what to write about.

So I guess I'll start with talking about my thoughts about these past 2 weeks.

Healing Mass. I hated the cleaning and I cried throughout the whole time cause I'm sick and tired of my mom yelling at me for stupid crap. It's mellow now. No more guests in this house for awhile. The mass went well. Thanks Richard and James for everything (lols, RichardJames). It meant alot to me and my mom that you guys played. Saw families and friends I haven't seen in forever and it felt good. I miss them all especially my Saint Aedan friends and my neighbors.

Poconos. So I stayed there in White Haven, Pensylvania from Sunday through Thursday. It was the most relaxing time of my life. Why ? I got to sleep, didn't clean, and did whatever i wanted to without people telling me what to do. Funniest is part is that the website tricked my aunt. On the website, it looks like this 5-star luxorious place. Fyi, it's the biggest shitthole ever. I really didn't mind it but when my parents came they wanted to get out as soon as possible. What made me happy the most is that I spent time with my cousins. After neglecting them so much in college due to work, it felt amazing just to spend a good week with them. Laughing and talking about memories. It feels so amazing when you don't see these people in forever yet you act like you just saw each other yesterday. I love them. Sure their cousins, but I treat them like my very own brother and sister. By the way, my aunt bought me a brand new coach bag. It's in brown, i think I'm going to use it for work. I really think I'm obsessed with Coach.

So now I'm back home. It was kind crappy that the moment we got home my mom made us all do laundry. It's whatever. Maybe she'll cool down once she sees the massive water bill. During Interview Sign-Ups, I eventually got a spot to get an interview with GlaxoSmithKline and L'Oreal. If I do get this L'Oreal job, i'm not dorming anymore meaning less civilization. Hopefully, Justine and I land this job together so I won't be alone in this and I have her with me. The thing that's been on my mind is James though. He recently moved back to Livingston, NJ and with that means less time to see each other. He's back to his parents and although I'm happy that hes back with his family, I'm just sad that I'm going to barely see him. He's not going to Stevens anymore which gets me so upset. Sigh. I don't know how many times I cried over this. What also pisses me off is that back in Spring Semester is that he promised me that he'll see me more in the summer. Fail. That's not going to happen anymore.

I don't know. Maybe this is a sign that my relationship with him needs to slow down. What sucks is that we barely talk. We're not going to be on the phone as much and he said we'll probably be like a "3 times a month" visit. Probably when school starts, it'll probably be like once a month. I don't know. I wish he wasn't so far away. I wish he could easily tell his parents that he's gonna drive and see me. I wish I had a license and a car. I wish I had more freedom. I thought Summer 09 was going to be the best since it was my last. I guess I was wrong.

Til next time.

The Summary of How I'm Doing So Far

....and for Spring Semester 09 I got a 3.089 GPA.

If I'm still on Dean's List so I still feel good about myself. I was telling Richard of how smart we are. Visualize this: There's about 5,300 Undergraduates at Stevens and only 1072 made it into Dean's List (Fall 08) and most of the Massives made it. We're smart ;). Compared to my 3.466 GPA last year and now, i really did horrible but I know all the mistakes I did. I stopped going to Calculus II, Chemistry II, and Physics. It's simply my fault, but hey I'm doing fine. As long as I'm passing college, my parents are happy because Marc isn't doing so well in college.

Some people are made for school and some aren't. I realized that when I see people not enroll into anything and even if they do they don't really make an effort and they just party it off and work like minimum wage jobs like in Malls or Starbucks or something. I'm just hoping Stevens would give me a better scholarship. With the economy all down, I highly doubt they would approve my 30,000 loan again. Sigh, just help me out college.

Something I hate: Alright, I would tell people my GPA and stuff and how I'm in Dean's List and stuff. They'd be like "Ohh 3.0, anyone could be in Dean's List if its so easy." Uhmm, okay you try going to Stevens and taking the classes we take. I also hate when people like brag about their college grades and they'd look at mine and be like "ohh wow, I beat you." I'm sorry, what community college do you go to? That was harsh but it has really gotten to those kind of points where there only would be taking like what 4 classes compared to Stevens where your taking like 6-8. It's whatever. Like Richard said: "Who's the one making big bucks at the end?" We are.

Thursday I'm dropping my resume off at the Coop Office (Yes, life without suburbs). Then after I'm having a little date with the boyfriend. Finally, some lovely alone time with him. I barely hung out with him during his housewarming cause he was cooking. I'm sort of jealous of Richard because he sees him more than I do (grr). I could deal. As long as I have him on the phone when I sleep, I'm good.

Anyways, I think I want to shower. lol

Got my retainers on, the television tooned on Nick at Nite, my lounge on the day-bed in the study room, and the comfort that I know food is just a walk downstairs. I'm simply home.

It's nice to be home, but the moving and the unpacking sucks. Especially when you have an aunt living in your room and you have no where to place your stuff because there is no room. I had such a headache when I came home. Wait, not even. My mom yelled at me on the phone while I was still at the dorm telling me "she didn't want to see my mess around the house." She told me to put it in the basement. So I got tired after moving out so I wanted to rest. NOT. I had to separate what I wanted to bring upstairs and what had to be stored in the basement. Did I rest after? Nopes because I had to wash the effin dishes. So when I finally laid down and decided to watch some Gossip Girl, guess who called? Yes it was my mom....yelling at me.

But you know what, that's the Pogata house. You never get rest, you always get irritated, you always have to do chores. What a life lol? Not really, but I deal. I'm just going to make this summer interesting. Hang out with all my old friends both Jersey City and Sayreville. Find good times to hang out with the boyfriend. Chill with my cousin. Chill with the Massives. Meadowlands Fairs (hell yeah). And many stuff :)

My boyfriend lives in Jersey City now so this would be something interesting.

Venting sucks.

Sigh. Sigh, Sigh. 

I'm done with finals. I think I failed all of them, but I could care two shits about it now. I'm done being a freshman. Really pissed Sam got a higher grade than me and Justine, but whatever I'll curse him out. Fucking didn't even say Happy Birthday to me while most of us spent like $40 on his fucking birthday.

ohhhh and about a HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

It was the shittiest birthday ever. Sure I loved having my cousins over and eating an Penang (good ass food) cause I barely see them and I had really good laughs with the TripleThreat and Mickey. But yeah, my birthday sucked. So let's rant about all the fucking shit that I was pissed at. Hmmm lets start with My dad fucking forgot my birthday and his own mother remembered. The beginning of my birthday I was fighting with James and I started crying. My aunt made me cry about my mom's disease. I woke up with the biggest headache. Need I remind everyone that I had a fucking Chemistry II final to study for. I had the biggest craving for garlic knots and no fucking pizza place in hoboken had it cause Filipo's was closed. 

but there's one thing that I got so depressed about was this: Alright, I don't want to be so selfish but honestly a birthday is one time a person is supposed to feel so god damn special right? So I didn't have a cake. Chetna, James, and I bought cupcakes to make myself feel better. No surprises at all cause they put candles on it while I was in the bathroom. I had to make the CRUMBS people sing me happy birthday when we bought the cupcakes. Sure I know its finals and people had to study. I just wanted something you know. I don't want to be greedy and stubborn about it but it was the ONE DAY I wanted everything to be me. BUT NO. While all the times I would buy people ice cream cake or maybe think of a good present, NADA. Like honestly, this was honestly the worst birthdays of my life. I was tired of crying the whole day cause I felt like shit cause James didn't get to go home on Mother's Day cause I was being greedy and made him stay on the phone with me and he didn't wake up to his alarm. 

It's only been like a day since my birthday and people are already mentioning their birthday and all this BIG SURPRISES or DO SOMETHING. I love to celebrate your birthdays (dont get me wrong cause I love making people smile on their birthdays and I love planning). I don't ask for much honestly. I'm a genuinely nice person and I never say no. But all I wanted was a little appreciation just cause I was a good friend. I don't know. I felt bad cause James thinks its all his fault for not giving me a good birthday so today he took me to the music room in Howe and gave me a little saxophone concert. 

On the day of my birthday, I was telling James and Chetna how upset I was that nothing spontaneous happened on my birthday and they were like "Come on, Birthdays dont end until you say so."So people have their birthday week, I end my week 5 days short. Fuck this shit. I'm done with it. I hated it. I kinda reminded me of how my friends back in the day threw me a party but they only did it to drink. It was that feeling with more depression.

Just forget it. Thanks for reading my rant but that's been in my head. and Thanks to all who said Happy Birthday ;). 

I <3 Stevens Tech

So, I got nothing else better to do than blog. I'm at home. Home as in Sayreville, New Jersey. Let me tell you it is boring-ville. The nearest thing to civilization is the delivery man. I'm just going to use this blog entry to vent about anything. Btw, I'm putting some Gabe Bondoc songs on repeat on Youtube.

Stevens Institute of Technology Spring Semester 09

I love this semester. I guess it's because everything seemed to be going up with everything. I don't think I'm failing anything. I got exempt from my Physics Final so now I have to worry about Chemistry II but that's no biggie. Hmmm, what did I like about this semester? No drama. Thank God. I had to much last semester. Another thing is that I feel closer now to one of my friends, Justine. I remember last semester I would cry to Marc about how I didn't have any girl friends here at Stevens and I missed the whole sisterly bond thing. My roomate was always gone with her boyfriend along with Justine so basically I had no one. But hey, I love the relationship of what Justine and I have now. We make fun of people. We make fun of ourselves. And basically when one of us is drunk, the other is sober (except for that UNITY day, we deserved to get drunk together). Another thing was my new relationship with James McIlvaine. Everyone knows how much I love him and how much he loves me so yeah no need to get into detail (Well I'll talk more about him later).

I'm going to miss my dorm room. Man, alot of memories in Davis Hall 314. Hmmm let's recall a few. Truth and Dare with Myky, Deonne, and Justine. Dancing randomly with Deonne. Endless board games (Clue to Cranium to Monopoly to Apples to Apples). The card games.The random hookups that occurred in that room. The random fights we all had. Ordering food cause we were just to lazy to walk to Pierce Dining Hall. The laughs. The gossip. The Massives. The Commuter Lounge. I guess my room was where I established great friendships with alot of people. Like when Armand and Jay would come to my room and sleep or play Palace, James Bond, or Signal. When Chetna got a new roomate and she would sleep in my room. Or when I was scared of Marc coming back to Stevens so Deonne or Chetna would sleep me with to keep me safe.

Everything seems to be a-ohkay with Stevens and my friends. I love that I got in my dream school <3.

The love life: James McIlvaine
So we fought like 2 days back. It was something serious, but I loved how we were able to work it out. I love how he takes care of me when I'm such a huge complainer. I feel bad that sometimes my attention span is so short that I dont hear him calling me and he gets upset. He's a dream and a miracle to my life. Sure sure, you people may think James and I are rushing into everything but we totally established that we know that we don't want no one but each other. We kept promises and I'm promise to stick to mine. I'm never going to leave him. The only way he said he was leaving is "only when you throw me out." I love how he's so sure that I'm his forever. The other day we were talking about our future. With him going to law school and myself going to take my master we may be in different in states. What made me smile was this conversation. We were talking how we were gonna try to make it work cause we're stronger but then he started say:

"Can I ask you a favor now, Cianyl?" yes?
"Just give me a chance to make you fall in love with me again if ever"

He's a total sweetheart. My mom likes him alot and it seems like my brother could get along with him.

So it's 2:20AM and hopefully James is done studying for Organic Chemistry II. Hence, this is why I was blogging cause I was waiting. Sorry for the boring blog.

Btw, I turn 19 tomorrow :D

I don't know what to do.

"Mae, call me later after 5"
so i did.

I called her twice. The first time was an epic fail cause she was driving to work and you know how New Jersey police are just plain assholes and they give tickets for the littlest things. So then I forgot. I called her at 12:00AM after my dinner with James, Izzy, and Walker. I really didn't know what this phone call was about. Maybe it would be my over withdrawal in my bank account or telling me I should go home this weekend (even though I already know I should go home). But this phone call was different.

She answered. Not the happy tone that I always call her with. The first thing she told me was to "don't worry and be strong." I didnt know what she mean. Worry about what? Did Ecko die? Did Lolo die? Did Marc get into another accident? But no it was about her..

"Mae, I was diagnosed with scleroderma"

I started crying in front of Pierce Dining Hall. She was telling me she was doing research and she told me to stay strong. She told me if I didn't know what it was I should research and help her out. She was telling there was no cure and I started crying. She didn't hear me cause I just didn't want her knowing I was scared and worried because it's Finals week. She was telling me everything in the house was going to change. Like what kind of soaps and cleaning supplies we use are going to be eco-friendly (i guess thats better for both me and my mom).

There's a healing mass on May 23rd, my dad's birthday. I really need to step up my game in being a better daughter. I need to work harder in school. Fuck my birthday, I'm spending Mother's Day the way she deserves it. I don't need anything. I just need her to be better. I should've went to church. I should've prayed harder when the signs were showing.

I should've been better.

"If I Ain't Got You" - Alicia Keys

The fighting got more excessive. Sure to other couples its the downhill part of every relationship, but I don't think this one is going to end. We constantly fight and everyone knows it. Everyone sees it. But what me and him sees is something more than just a simple argument. It's a way to help us learn our mistakes. It helps us realize what we're doing wrong. Who says fighting with your loved one is bad? It helps your relationship grow.

He stared at me and looked deeply in my eyes and told me:

"Even though we fight.... it doesn't mean i love you less"
then he kissed me.

I spent the whole week with him and it felt good. It felt good to feel like I was with someone. Earlier this year I cried to him on Valentine's Day (over the phone) and said that I was tired of having a 5 day boyfriend. I was tired of feeling like he would just be with me to clear his mind off of school and that once school was over he would be at home and he would just forget me. We're not that anymore. Sure maybe next semester when I'm in Coop and he's going to be a Junior it'll be the same, but I'm hoping we would be different.

All day I saw him smile and it made me feel warm inside. I asked him why he was all giddy and happy. He replied, "Its because I woke up to you by my side" I'm so happy everything is going the way I wanted it to. Justine is truly happy and she finally doesnt have to be confused. Everything is just amazing.

I love Sping Semester :).