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What Beaches Can Do

The day was perfect. Breezy and sunny. Who would've thought that New Jersey could come up with some kind of weather on the 4th of July? But something was missing...

It was you.

Larry, i guess you can was my man of the day. Not really, but it was nice to have a companion. The day was fun. Don't get me wrong. I loved tanning and I loved body surfing with all my friends because when I'm surrounded by them I feel special. Some people can't get friends like them, but I have them and it's a nice feeling. Then you look around and you see all these couples. Hugging, swimming, and just tanning together. It was when I looked around, I realized that you were not there hugging me. You were not kissing me or just even throwing me in the water. I was alone. I missed you. So I plugged my headphones on, turned up my slow jams, and fell asleep because I felt as if I couldn't bare the void i had. Hopefully, i believed, that i could dream and just find you there. I woke up and I was back to reality.

The day ended with fireworks. How it was beautiful and spectacular. I stared at the sky because I usually do because it's something that you and I both share at any given moment. Then, I just felt the feeling again. The feeling of wanting you to be there. Someone to hold and just smile and gaze at the magnificent fireworks.

I wish that you were with me. I need you now. Come back to me soon, please ?

Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy

Summer seems a little different nowadays. I guess because it's been raining for the past days and it has given me time to think. In reality, I hate thinking. It does bad things to me and then the paranoia kicks in. I've spent my summer trying to make up for lost time.

I've been seeing my old elementary school friends and high school friends alot. I felt that I've been a terrible friend all year because of the hectic schedule Stevens gives me, so I owe it to my old friends. It's kind of hard to balance friends though. Sure its fun to bring everyone together in one room, but it creates some kind of awkwardness. That's why I have this whole mindset that I'll just dedicate certain days to different friends. To avoid that "awkward turtle" moment.

I might be able to go to Myrtle Beach with the Aldana family so I'm quite happy about that. I've been seeing a whole lot of Apple this summer and it feels good because throughout school Marc made me feel like a douche because he said I wasn't a good friend to Apple. I love her alot and she loves me too. Nothing's going to change. Stupid boy. In August, I'm going to Atlantic City for a good 4 days. Just relaxing before school starts. My family decided to bring Maricelle along and when I told her about it she couldn't stop screaming. She's another friend who I clearly adore and love.

I need a better tan so I'm gonna go out more, but dumb old New Jersey weather sucks this year.

My Strength.

We've been together for about 6 months and I'm still smiling.

i love you.

Contemplation

I'm sitting here with the lights off, iPod blasting, and just thinking about a few stuff. I've come to realize that James and my brother, Marc, are practically the same. Lost in their way and education on their shoulders. I remember when Marc first failed college when he went to Rutgers University. We all thought he was going to do great things at Rutgers, but I guess he got side tracked by his girlfriend. None of us liked her. We all thought she was a distraction and we just didn't like her attitude and aggressiveness and how she tried changing my brother.

Then I think of myself. Am I that girl to James? His parents must hate me, and I can't blame them. He did get sidetracked, but I didn't really force him to do that. Then I started to think about his sisters. How I absolutely adore them, but I feel like they just don't like me. Just how I didn't like Marc's girlfriend. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe it's the truth because I was in his sister's position. Family breaking down cause of the older brother and his stupid mistakes.

I just want him to pass and honestly I thought he was doing so well in second semester and we could at least have a happy summer. It's whatever though. I support him no matter what. Indae and I were talking about how its the girls who's not really sidetracked due to relationships. I've been through every ups and downs of any relationship. I've been through 4 difficult relationships, but did I falter? No, not one bit. My dad keeps telling me that I should stop getting boyfriends, so I told him, "I've had a boyfriend since 7th grade and has my grades ever dropped. No." I guess I shut him up. I graduated first honors in Junior High placing 4th in the class. I was an honor student, athlete, an A student in High School. I did alot of activities yet I still managed to keep my GPA and get into Stevens and graduate 7th in my class. Then in college I'm in Dean's List and still manage to get decent grades. I guess I use my relationships as a motivation and I kinda wish guys used it to. Since I know how my brother's been with his bad relationship, I show my family that it's my boyfriends that keep me going.

Why can't guys do that? James was telling me that he wants to show his parents that I'm a good influence and I think thats sweet. But to everyone else, i'm just someone who's slowing him down. I'm trying to push him to do great things in life, but it's hard when I'm not the one making the decisions. James is smart, but he's human...he makes wrong decisions. So I hope that wherever he goes, he knows what to do now cause honestly I don't want him messing up again. I want his family to be happy with what he's doing. Cause honestly, my brother is still doing horrible and its bringing this family down. So I want his sisters to enter college without any burden as if they were being pressured to pass...like me.

It sucks cause I'm still here working my butt off in school but its usually "Marc failed again Mae, don't do the same...you have to pass". I've got this lecture since Junior Year in High School and still get it now. Honestly, you're 2 years older than me yet we're on the same level. You pass 2 semesters and same here as well, but I'm not the one who was supposed to graduate next year. Now we don't even know what you want to do with your life. That's why I feel so burnt out in school cause I'm trying to make mommy and daddy at least proud of something they created.

Ugh, why does school have to be so difficult amongst filipino families. unitl next time.

Browsing Through Some Old Photos

You fall in love with college, but honestly you fell in love with high school the most. Sure the drama got tough and annoying, but it's what brought you closer as a group. I came into high school with 4 girls from my grammar school, Saint Aedan School, but I came out with 4 best friends. Kristine who I've always been with since Pre-K, Stephanie who's helped me through every boy problem, Mary who has taught me how to play every sport, and there's Maricelle who's completely my other half. Just being with Maricelle yesterday made me realize that I'm blessed to have her and the others. Although we haven't seen each other in a long time, when we do meet up, it's as if we just saw each other yesterday. No awkwardness, no nothing.

I guess I miss it all. I miss the friendships I have with these girls. The deep talks every day at lunch or in class by passing notes or those times we did nothing in study but gossip. Being at Stevens made me realize that I developed the best of friends in high school. Where you can never go wrong in starting a random conversation or those girls you just pig out with or just change in front of without feeling ashamed because you're just comfortable. I haven't seen the WHOREs all together since Thanksgiving, but i know soon one day we'll reunite somehow.

Pictures say a thousand words, but I believe it says more. When you take a group photo, you cannot help but think about all the great memories you had with them or with each individual. I guess Facebook gets you thinking, ya'know. All these youngins are going to prom and graduating, you can't help but think when you were in that position. Where you danced your final song, where you walked down that aisle, when you grasped your diploma in your hand, and when you turned your tassle. It's a great feeling. I guess next time I'll feel another big change is in four years. When the massives, brosome squad, and pussy posse (lol) gather together and take our final picture together as Stevens graduates.

I'm glad to be blessed with great friends in grammar school, high school, and college. Thank you.

Asia Cruz - Long Distance Relationship

"...so it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. i want all of you everyday, forever." -The Notebook

I can't say that my whole relationship with him has been a train wreck cause it hasn't. It has been the most incredible thing I've ever been a part of in my life: to be in love with him. So the answer was said:

"before i didn't want to put you on hold because
i didn't want to lose you, but this time i have to"

I could wait, I guess. I promised him I would. We're not allowed to talk or see each other anymore. I'm not single or broken up with him. We're still fully committed but it's really going to be tough. Not seeing him, getting jealous of every other couple who gets to see each other, the memories of him. It's hard and its getting hard because it's summer and I can't do anything but sit here and wait. He told me I shouldn't wait for a phone call anymore because it's not guaranteed that we'd be sleeping on the phone at night.

This is more than a simple long distance relationship because I can't have one single contact with him. No webcam, no IMs, no phone calls, no talks, no visits, no nothing. It's going to take months maybe years until I get to be in his arms again. Talking to Walker helped just a tad bit. I got to be strong for this or else it won't work. I need to stop worrying about him and start caring about myself.

I just really miss him. To the point where I'm crying and I'm not even noticing. He's the most incredbile guy out there. I just wish everything was smooth before we put our relationship on pause mode. I promised myself after my relationship with Marc that I wouldn't date anyone else because my broken heart couldn't take it anymore, but I took that risk to date James. To like him and then fall in love with him. I love him and thats the end.

pinky promise.