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What Beaches Can Do

The day was perfect. Breezy and sunny. Who would've thought that New Jersey could come up with some kind of weather on the 4th of July? But something was missing...

It was you.

Larry, i guess you can was my man of the day. Not really, but it was nice to have a companion. The day was fun. Don't get me wrong. I loved tanning and I loved body surfing with all my friends because when I'm surrounded by them I feel special. Some people can't get friends like them, but I have them and it's a nice feeling. Then you look around and you see all these couples. Hugging, swimming, and just tanning together. It was when I looked around, I realized that you were not there hugging me. You were not kissing me or just even throwing me in the water. I was alone. I missed you. So I plugged my headphones on, turned up my slow jams, and fell asleep because I felt as if I couldn't bare the void i had. Hopefully, i believed, that i could dream and just find you there. I woke up and I was back to reality.

The day ended with fireworks. How it was beautiful and spectacular. I stared at the sky because I usually do because it's something that you and I both share at any given moment. Then, I just felt the feeling again. The feeling of wanting you to be there. Someone to hold and just smile and gaze at the magnificent fireworks.

I wish that you were with me. I need you now. Come back to me soon, please ?

Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy

Summer seems a little different nowadays. I guess because it's been raining for the past days and it has given me time to think. In reality, I hate thinking. It does bad things to me and then the paranoia kicks in. I've spent my summer trying to make up for lost time.

I've been seeing my old elementary school friends and high school friends alot. I felt that I've been a terrible friend all year because of the hectic schedule Stevens gives me, so I owe it to my old friends. It's kind of hard to balance friends though. Sure its fun to bring everyone together in one room, but it creates some kind of awkwardness. That's why I have this whole mindset that I'll just dedicate certain days to different friends. To avoid that "awkward turtle" moment.

I might be able to go to Myrtle Beach with the Aldana family so I'm quite happy about that. I've been seeing a whole lot of Apple this summer and it feels good because throughout school Marc made me feel like a douche because he said I wasn't a good friend to Apple. I love her alot and she loves me too. Nothing's going to change. Stupid boy. In August, I'm going to Atlantic City for a good 4 days. Just relaxing before school starts. My family decided to bring Maricelle along and when I told her about it she couldn't stop screaming. She's another friend who I clearly adore and love.

I need a better tan so I'm gonna go out more, but dumb old New Jersey weather sucks this year.

My Strength.

We've been together for about 6 months and I'm still smiling.

i love you.

Contemplation

I'm sitting here with the lights off, iPod blasting, and just thinking about a few stuff. I've come to realize that James and my brother, Marc, are practically the same. Lost in their way and education on their shoulders. I remember when Marc first failed college when he went to Rutgers University. We all thought he was going to do great things at Rutgers, but I guess he got side tracked by his girlfriend. None of us liked her. We all thought she was a distraction and we just didn't like her attitude and aggressiveness and how she tried changing my brother.

Then I think of myself. Am I that girl to James? His parents must hate me, and I can't blame them. He did get sidetracked, but I didn't really force him to do that. Then I started to think about his sisters. How I absolutely adore them, but I feel like they just don't like me. Just how I didn't like Marc's girlfriend. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe it's the truth because I was in his sister's position. Family breaking down cause of the older brother and his stupid mistakes.

I just want him to pass and honestly I thought he was doing so well in second semester and we could at least have a happy summer. It's whatever though. I support him no matter what. Indae and I were talking about how its the girls who's not really sidetracked due to relationships. I've been through every ups and downs of any relationship. I've been through 4 difficult relationships, but did I falter? No, not one bit. My dad keeps telling me that I should stop getting boyfriends, so I told him, "I've had a boyfriend since 7th grade and has my grades ever dropped. No." I guess I shut him up. I graduated first honors in Junior High placing 4th in the class. I was an honor student, athlete, an A student in High School. I did alot of activities yet I still managed to keep my GPA and get into Stevens and graduate 7th in my class. Then in college I'm in Dean's List and still manage to get decent grades. I guess I use my relationships as a motivation and I kinda wish guys used it to. Since I know how my brother's been with his bad relationship, I show my family that it's my boyfriends that keep me going.

Why can't guys do that? James was telling me that he wants to show his parents that I'm a good influence and I think thats sweet. But to everyone else, i'm just someone who's slowing him down. I'm trying to push him to do great things in life, but it's hard when I'm not the one making the decisions. James is smart, but he's human...he makes wrong decisions. So I hope that wherever he goes, he knows what to do now cause honestly I don't want him messing up again. I want his family to be happy with what he's doing. Cause honestly, my brother is still doing horrible and its bringing this family down. So I want his sisters to enter college without any burden as if they were being pressured to pass...like me.

It sucks cause I'm still here working my butt off in school but its usually "Marc failed again Mae, don't do the same...you have to pass". I've got this lecture since Junior Year in High School and still get it now. Honestly, you're 2 years older than me yet we're on the same level. You pass 2 semesters and same here as well, but I'm not the one who was supposed to graduate next year. Now we don't even know what you want to do with your life. That's why I feel so burnt out in school cause I'm trying to make mommy and daddy at least proud of something they created.

Ugh, why does school have to be so difficult amongst filipino families. unitl next time.

Browsing Through Some Old Photos

You fall in love with college, but honestly you fell in love with high school the most. Sure the drama got tough and annoying, but it's what brought you closer as a group. I came into high school with 4 girls from my grammar school, Saint Aedan School, but I came out with 4 best friends. Kristine who I've always been with since Pre-K, Stephanie who's helped me through every boy problem, Mary who has taught me how to play every sport, and there's Maricelle who's completely my other half. Just being with Maricelle yesterday made me realize that I'm blessed to have her and the others. Although we haven't seen each other in a long time, when we do meet up, it's as if we just saw each other yesterday. No awkwardness, no nothing.

I guess I miss it all. I miss the friendships I have with these girls. The deep talks every day at lunch or in class by passing notes or those times we did nothing in study but gossip. Being at Stevens made me realize that I developed the best of friends in high school. Where you can never go wrong in starting a random conversation or those girls you just pig out with or just change in front of without feeling ashamed because you're just comfortable. I haven't seen the WHOREs all together since Thanksgiving, but i know soon one day we'll reunite somehow.

Pictures say a thousand words, but I believe it says more. When you take a group photo, you cannot help but think about all the great memories you had with them or with each individual. I guess Facebook gets you thinking, ya'know. All these youngins are going to prom and graduating, you can't help but think when you were in that position. Where you danced your final song, where you walked down that aisle, when you grasped your diploma in your hand, and when you turned your tassle. It's a great feeling. I guess next time I'll feel another big change is in four years. When the massives, brosome squad, and pussy posse (lol) gather together and take our final picture together as Stevens graduates.

I'm glad to be blessed with great friends in grammar school, high school, and college. Thank you.

Asia Cruz - Long Distance Relationship

"...so it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. i want all of you everyday, forever." -The Notebook

I can't say that my whole relationship with him has been a train wreck cause it hasn't. It has been the most incredible thing I've ever been a part of in my life: to be in love with him. So the answer was said:

"before i didn't want to put you on hold because
i didn't want to lose you, but this time i have to"

I could wait, I guess. I promised him I would. We're not allowed to talk or see each other anymore. I'm not single or broken up with him. We're still fully committed but it's really going to be tough. Not seeing him, getting jealous of every other couple who gets to see each other, the memories of him. It's hard and its getting hard because it's summer and I can't do anything but sit here and wait. He told me I shouldn't wait for a phone call anymore because it's not guaranteed that we'd be sleeping on the phone at night.

This is more than a simple long distance relationship because I can't have one single contact with him. No webcam, no IMs, no phone calls, no talks, no visits, no nothing. It's going to take months maybe years until I get to be in his arms again. Talking to Walker helped just a tad bit. I got to be strong for this or else it won't work. I need to stop worrying about him and start caring about myself.

I just really miss him. To the point where I'm crying and I'm not even noticing. He's the most incredbile guy out there. I just wish everything was smooth before we put our relationship on pause mode. I promised myself after my relationship with Marc that I wouldn't date anyone else because my broken heart couldn't take it anymore, but I took that risk to date James. To like him and then fall in love with him. I love him and thats the end.

pinky promise.

2 Week Synopsis

It's been awhile since I blogged here. Due to the massive cleaning for the healing mass, the healing mass itself, my poconos vacation, and my cousins staying over the weekend..i guess i barely had anytime to get my thoughts together and figure out what to write about.

So I guess I'll start with talking about my thoughts about these past 2 weeks.

Healing Mass. I hated the cleaning and I cried throughout the whole time cause I'm sick and tired of my mom yelling at me for stupid crap. It's mellow now. No more guests in this house for awhile. The mass went well. Thanks Richard and James for everything (lols, RichardJames). It meant alot to me and my mom that you guys played. Saw families and friends I haven't seen in forever and it felt good. I miss them all especially my Saint Aedan friends and my neighbors.

Poconos. So I stayed there in White Haven, Pensylvania from Sunday through Thursday. It was the most relaxing time of my life. Why ? I got to sleep, didn't clean, and did whatever i wanted to without people telling me what to do. Funniest is part is that the website tricked my aunt. On the website, it looks like this 5-star luxorious place. Fyi, it's the biggest shitthole ever. I really didn't mind it but when my parents came they wanted to get out as soon as possible. What made me happy the most is that I spent time with my cousins. After neglecting them so much in college due to work, it felt amazing just to spend a good week with them. Laughing and talking about memories. It feels so amazing when you don't see these people in forever yet you act like you just saw each other yesterday. I love them. Sure their cousins, but I treat them like my very own brother and sister. By the way, my aunt bought me a brand new coach bag. It's in brown, i think I'm going to use it for work. I really think I'm obsessed with Coach.

So now I'm back home. It was kind crappy that the moment we got home my mom made us all do laundry. It's whatever. Maybe she'll cool down once she sees the massive water bill. During Interview Sign-Ups, I eventually got a spot to get an interview with GlaxoSmithKline and L'Oreal. If I do get this L'Oreal job, i'm not dorming anymore meaning less civilization. Hopefully, Justine and I land this job together so I won't be alone in this and I have her with me. The thing that's been on my mind is James though. He recently moved back to Livingston, NJ and with that means less time to see each other. He's back to his parents and although I'm happy that hes back with his family, I'm just sad that I'm going to barely see him. He's not going to Stevens anymore which gets me so upset. Sigh. I don't know how many times I cried over this. What also pisses me off is that back in Spring Semester is that he promised me that he'll see me more in the summer. Fail. That's not going to happen anymore.

I don't know. Maybe this is a sign that my relationship with him needs to slow down. What sucks is that we barely talk. We're not going to be on the phone as much and he said we'll probably be like a "3 times a month" visit. Probably when school starts, it'll probably be like once a month. I don't know. I wish he wasn't so far away. I wish he could easily tell his parents that he's gonna drive and see me. I wish I had a license and a car. I wish I had more freedom. I thought Summer 09 was going to be the best since it was my last. I guess I was wrong.

Til next time.

The Summary of How I'm Doing So Far

....and for Spring Semester 09 I got a 3.089 GPA.

If I'm still on Dean's List so I still feel good about myself. I was telling Richard of how smart we are. Visualize this: There's about 5,300 Undergraduates at Stevens and only 1072 made it into Dean's List (Fall 08) and most of the Massives made it. We're smart ;). Compared to my 3.466 GPA last year and now, i really did horrible but I know all the mistakes I did. I stopped going to Calculus II, Chemistry II, and Physics. It's simply my fault, but hey I'm doing fine. As long as I'm passing college, my parents are happy because Marc isn't doing so well in college.

Some people are made for school and some aren't. I realized that when I see people not enroll into anything and even if they do they don't really make an effort and they just party it off and work like minimum wage jobs like in Malls or Starbucks or something. I'm just hoping Stevens would give me a better scholarship. With the economy all down, I highly doubt they would approve my 30,000 loan again. Sigh, just help me out college.

Something I hate: Alright, I would tell people my GPA and stuff and how I'm in Dean's List and stuff. They'd be like "Ohh 3.0, anyone could be in Dean's List if its so easy." Uhmm, okay you try going to Stevens and taking the classes we take. I also hate when people like brag about their college grades and they'd look at mine and be like "ohh wow, I beat you." I'm sorry, what community college do you go to? That was harsh but it has really gotten to those kind of points where there only would be taking like what 4 classes compared to Stevens where your taking like 6-8. It's whatever. Like Richard said: "Who's the one making big bucks at the end?" We are.

Thursday I'm dropping my resume off at the Coop Office (Yes, life without suburbs). Then after I'm having a little date with the boyfriend. Finally, some lovely alone time with him. I barely hung out with him during his housewarming cause he was cooking. I'm sort of jealous of Richard because he sees him more than I do (grr). I could deal. As long as I have him on the phone when I sleep, I'm good.

Anyways, I think I want to shower. lol

Got my retainers on, the television tooned on Nick at Nite, my lounge on the day-bed in the study room, and the comfort that I know food is just a walk downstairs. I'm simply home.

It's nice to be home, but the moving and the unpacking sucks. Especially when you have an aunt living in your room and you have no where to place your stuff because there is no room. I had such a headache when I came home. Wait, not even. My mom yelled at me on the phone while I was still at the dorm telling me "she didn't want to see my mess around the house." She told me to put it in the basement. So I got tired after moving out so I wanted to rest. NOT. I had to separate what I wanted to bring upstairs and what had to be stored in the basement. Did I rest after? Nopes because I had to wash the effin dishes. So when I finally laid down and decided to watch some Gossip Girl, guess who called? Yes it was my mom....yelling at me.

But you know what, that's the Pogata house. You never get rest, you always get irritated, you always have to do chores. What a life lol? Not really, but I deal. I'm just going to make this summer interesting. Hang out with all my old friends both Jersey City and Sayreville. Find good times to hang out with the boyfriend. Chill with my cousin. Chill with the Massives. Meadowlands Fairs (hell yeah). And many stuff :)

My boyfriend lives in Jersey City now so this would be something interesting.

Venting sucks.

Sigh. Sigh, Sigh. 

I'm done with finals. I think I failed all of them, but I could care two shits about it now. I'm done being a freshman. Really pissed Sam got a higher grade than me and Justine, but whatever I'll curse him out. Fucking didn't even say Happy Birthday to me while most of us spent like $40 on his fucking birthday.

ohhhh and about a HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

It was the shittiest birthday ever. Sure I loved having my cousins over and eating an Penang (good ass food) cause I barely see them and I had really good laughs with the TripleThreat and Mickey. But yeah, my birthday sucked. So let's rant about all the fucking shit that I was pissed at. Hmmm lets start with My dad fucking forgot my birthday and his own mother remembered. The beginning of my birthday I was fighting with James and I started crying. My aunt made me cry about my mom's disease. I woke up with the biggest headache. Need I remind everyone that I had a fucking Chemistry II final to study for. I had the biggest craving for garlic knots and no fucking pizza place in hoboken had it cause Filipo's was closed. 

but there's one thing that I got so depressed about was this: Alright, I don't want to be so selfish but honestly a birthday is one time a person is supposed to feel so god damn special right? So I didn't have a cake. Chetna, James, and I bought cupcakes to make myself feel better. No surprises at all cause they put candles on it while I was in the bathroom. I had to make the CRUMBS people sing me happy birthday when we bought the cupcakes. Sure I know its finals and people had to study. I just wanted something you know. I don't want to be greedy and stubborn about it but it was the ONE DAY I wanted everything to be me. BUT NO. While all the times I would buy people ice cream cake or maybe think of a good present, NADA. Like honestly, this was honestly the worst birthdays of my life. I was tired of crying the whole day cause I felt like shit cause James didn't get to go home on Mother's Day cause I was being greedy and made him stay on the phone with me and he didn't wake up to his alarm. 

It's only been like a day since my birthday and people are already mentioning their birthday and all this BIG SURPRISES or DO SOMETHING. I love to celebrate your birthdays (dont get me wrong cause I love making people smile on their birthdays and I love planning). I don't ask for much honestly. I'm a genuinely nice person and I never say no. But all I wanted was a little appreciation just cause I was a good friend. I don't know. I felt bad cause James thinks its all his fault for not giving me a good birthday so today he took me to the music room in Howe and gave me a little saxophone concert. 

On the day of my birthday, I was telling James and Chetna how upset I was that nothing spontaneous happened on my birthday and they were like "Come on, Birthdays dont end until you say so."So people have their birthday week, I end my week 5 days short. Fuck this shit. I'm done with it. I hated it. I kinda reminded me of how my friends back in the day threw me a party but they only did it to drink. It was that feeling with more depression.

Just forget it. Thanks for reading my rant but that's been in my head. and Thanks to all who said Happy Birthday ;). 

I <3 Stevens Tech

So, I got nothing else better to do than blog. I'm at home. Home as in Sayreville, New Jersey. Let me tell you it is boring-ville. The nearest thing to civilization is the delivery man. I'm just going to use this blog entry to vent about anything. Btw, I'm putting some Gabe Bondoc songs on repeat on Youtube.

Stevens Institute of Technology Spring Semester 09

I love this semester. I guess it's because everything seemed to be going up with everything. I don't think I'm failing anything. I got exempt from my Physics Final so now I have to worry about Chemistry II but that's no biggie. Hmmm, what did I like about this semester? No drama. Thank God. I had to much last semester. Another thing is that I feel closer now to one of my friends, Justine. I remember last semester I would cry to Marc about how I didn't have any girl friends here at Stevens and I missed the whole sisterly bond thing. My roomate was always gone with her boyfriend along with Justine so basically I had no one. But hey, I love the relationship of what Justine and I have now. We make fun of people. We make fun of ourselves. And basically when one of us is drunk, the other is sober (except for that UNITY day, we deserved to get drunk together). Another thing was my new relationship with James McIlvaine. Everyone knows how much I love him and how much he loves me so yeah no need to get into detail (Well I'll talk more about him later).

I'm going to miss my dorm room. Man, alot of memories in Davis Hall 314. Hmmm let's recall a few. Truth and Dare with Myky, Deonne, and Justine. Dancing randomly with Deonne. Endless board games (Clue to Cranium to Monopoly to Apples to Apples). The card games.The random hookups that occurred in that room. The random fights we all had. Ordering food cause we were just to lazy to walk to Pierce Dining Hall. The laughs. The gossip. The Massives. The Commuter Lounge. I guess my room was where I established great friendships with alot of people. Like when Armand and Jay would come to my room and sleep or play Palace, James Bond, or Signal. When Chetna got a new roomate and she would sleep in my room. Or when I was scared of Marc coming back to Stevens so Deonne or Chetna would sleep me with to keep me safe.

Everything seems to be a-ohkay with Stevens and my friends. I love that I got in my dream school <3.

The love life: James McIlvaine
So we fought like 2 days back. It was something serious, but I loved how we were able to work it out. I love how he takes care of me when I'm such a huge complainer. I feel bad that sometimes my attention span is so short that I dont hear him calling me and he gets upset. He's a dream and a miracle to my life. Sure sure, you people may think James and I are rushing into everything but we totally established that we know that we don't want no one but each other. We kept promises and I'm promise to stick to mine. I'm never going to leave him. The only way he said he was leaving is "only when you throw me out." I love how he's so sure that I'm his forever. The other day we were talking about our future. With him going to law school and myself going to take my master we may be in different in states. What made me smile was this conversation. We were talking how we were gonna try to make it work cause we're stronger but then he started say:

"Can I ask you a favor now, Cianyl?" yes?
"Just give me a chance to make you fall in love with me again if ever"

He's a total sweetheart. My mom likes him alot and it seems like my brother could get along with him.

So it's 2:20AM and hopefully James is done studying for Organic Chemistry II. Hence, this is why I was blogging cause I was waiting. Sorry for the boring blog.

Btw, I turn 19 tomorrow :D

I don't know what to do.

"Mae, call me later after 5"
so i did.

I called her twice. The first time was an epic fail cause she was driving to work and you know how New Jersey police are just plain assholes and they give tickets for the littlest things. So then I forgot. I called her at 12:00AM after my dinner with James, Izzy, and Walker. I really didn't know what this phone call was about. Maybe it would be my over withdrawal in my bank account or telling me I should go home this weekend (even though I already know I should go home). But this phone call was different.

She answered. Not the happy tone that I always call her with. The first thing she told me was to "don't worry and be strong." I didnt know what she mean. Worry about what? Did Ecko die? Did Lolo die? Did Marc get into another accident? But no it was about her..

"Mae, I was diagnosed with scleroderma"

I started crying in front of Pierce Dining Hall. She was telling me she was doing research and she told me to stay strong. She told me if I didn't know what it was I should research and help her out. She was telling there was no cure and I started crying. She didn't hear me cause I just didn't want her knowing I was scared and worried because it's Finals week. She was telling me everything in the house was going to change. Like what kind of soaps and cleaning supplies we use are going to be eco-friendly (i guess thats better for both me and my mom).

There's a healing mass on May 23rd, my dad's birthday. I really need to step up my game in being a better daughter. I need to work harder in school. Fuck my birthday, I'm spending Mother's Day the way she deserves it. I don't need anything. I just need her to be better. I should've went to church. I should've prayed harder when the signs were showing.

I should've been better.

"If I Ain't Got You" - Alicia Keys

The fighting got more excessive. Sure to other couples its the downhill part of every relationship, but I don't think this one is going to end. We constantly fight and everyone knows it. Everyone sees it. But what me and him sees is something more than just a simple argument. It's a way to help us learn our mistakes. It helps us realize what we're doing wrong. Who says fighting with your loved one is bad? It helps your relationship grow.

He stared at me and looked deeply in my eyes and told me:

"Even though we fight.... it doesn't mean i love you less"
then he kissed me.

I spent the whole week with him and it felt good. It felt good to feel like I was with someone. Earlier this year I cried to him on Valentine's Day (over the phone) and said that I was tired of having a 5 day boyfriend. I was tired of feeling like he would just be with me to clear his mind off of school and that once school was over he would be at home and he would just forget me. We're not that anymore. Sure maybe next semester when I'm in Coop and he's going to be a Junior it'll be the same, but I'm hoping we would be different.

All day I saw him smile and it made me feel warm inside. I asked him why he was all giddy and happy. He replied, "Its because I woke up to you by my side" I'm so happy everything is going the way I wanted it to. Justine is truly happy and she finally doesnt have to be confused. Everything is just amazing.

I love Sping Semester :).

"True Love" - Faith Evans

So here it goes. The feeling happened. You know that feeling where you're just scared that everything is so good in your life can crumble any time soon. Fuck. It always happens when I'm the happiest. Everything has been strong with the FAST family (woot UNITY 2009 Winners) and my Massives. but Fuck, why am I always scared about my relationship. Shut up, Mae. You're gonna be fine.

I'd love to write about him, but I would feel like I douche because maybe it would sound so repeatitive. or Maybe not? I know for my past relationships I said that I did not want to mess up because of broken hearts, but I really don't want to mess this one up. I really don't.

Here it goes.

His name is James Patrick Gadi McIlvaine. I believe he's perfect. Perfect in every way. In other people's eyes, he could be some loud, annoying, ugly guy. To me - he's perfect. He's intelligent. He may not know that, but I could see it. When he blurts out random facts or when he does homework with me, he's really smart. He's talented. I could be watching the Jazz Band and the only thing I hear is him playing. I think he's good looking. I could spot him from any crowd. He has that aura that heals my sadness. He has that smile that brightens my day. He has that touch that can melt your heart. His scent is just pure bliss. He's religious. I thought I was religious, shoot he beats me by a Football Stadium.

Blahh. Icould name a bunch of facts about how amazing he is but theres only one thing that matters..

I have never loved a guy so much and its only been our 4th month. I want him in my future. He's someone who could tolerate me and help me change for the better. He never encourages me to do bad things or he never makes me feel down for whatever bad I've done. He knows how to forgive and accept who I truly am. I introduced him to my family as my boyfriend today. Man oh man, that's the first time I've ever done so. It felt good though because I wasn't going to hide who he was. He was not embarassing. He looks like a pure gentleman. I was happy that my mom welcomed him to our house because after the whole TJ and Marc situation, I didn't think she'd be open to any of my new boyfriends. I actually think she's proud that I have him ( I heard her talking about him to my family friends ;]). When I took him out on his birthday, it was the first time that I felt like I had a genuine relationship. Go out on dates and then relax. Although it was an epic fail with the light rail system, Liberty State Park was one special moment. Held him in my arms on a warm spring night and told him I truly loved him. I felt safe with him.

Honestly, this is truly my last one. I'm not a kid anymore, I've matured. I've conquered every relationship obstacle in my life. I know now. I'm an adult. I know now that this is someone who I shall keep and have forever. I want him. I want him to be in my life. I don't care about how I said this to my boyfriends....He's different and I know it. When he looks in my eyes, I know he's sincere. I know he won't turn crazy and I know he won't let me run all over him. I know that I'll take care of him just like he takes care of me.

James,
As I sit here on my computer thinking about you, I want you to know I'm here to stay. I'm here to be yours. I'm sorry for the arguments, the random scares, the stubborness. Please know that I'm working on our relationship to stand strong. To have a good relationship and nuture it so it can bloom into something greater than the both of us. I won't let you down. I promise. I love you.

It's been awhile.

Wow, it's really been awhile since I last blogged. Last time was probably in the summer before my freshmen year in college while I was still going out with Marc.

Time flies.

It's 6:19 in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't know maybe I'm just thing too much or the fact that I just took a nice hot shower. Maybe it was the $5.50 Red Bull I drank to do my Humanities outline. I guess that's it. I've been quite moody lately. I'm really not sure why. I think I'm in the process of hating what I've become. I hate who I am. I hate how my work ethic in school has plummeted. I don't feel as if I'm part of this world anymore. I'm so into college that the world is just passing me by. I don't even have the strength like my friends to go partying or clubbing because I'm so burnt out. And it sucks because my new relationship is taking a toll on this. I'm constantly making sure I'm not fucking up or throwing mood tantrums at James because my mind is just so discombobulated.

Sigh. I miss my high school friends. Most of all, I miss my 4 best friends that completed me. I'm nearing the end of college and I feel like I haven't found a person(s) I could vent out to. Like sure I could vent out to people (no biggie), but people have those one or two people where they are just solely attached to and are clearly meant to be friends. I feel so drifted now. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard. I'm sitting here crying because I miss the companionship I used to have with people. I just have to be patient.I think I truly forgot how to fully open up to people. Another problem I have is holding back my problems because I feel like people are annoyed at hearing me. Others told me I talked too much so I guess that was an eye opener and since then..i tried not being that person anymore.

God dammit. Why do I have to be self conscious now?

I love college, i love the people i've met (who i love), and i have a great relationship. But I don't know why I sleep at night wondering what's the missing piece that makes me feel so empty. Why when I'm in a big crowd of people that I feel isolated. My mind is so fucked up right now. I see my friends in my room and I feel so BLAHH.

FUCK MY MOOD SWINGS. What's wrong with me !