I don't know what to do.

"Mae, call me later after 5"
so i did.

I called her twice. The first time was an epic fail cause she was driving to work and you know how New Jersey police are just plain assholes and they give tickets for the littlest things. So then I forgot. I called her at 12:00AM after my dinner with James, Izzy, and Walker. I really didn't know what this phone call was about. Maybe it would be my over withdrawal in my bank account or telling me I should go home this weekend (even though I already know I should go home). But this phone call was different.

She answered. Not the happy tone that I always call her with. The first thing she told me was to "don't worry and be strong." I didnt know what she mean. Worry about what? Did Ecko die? Did Lolo die? Did Marc get into another accident? But no it was about her..

"Mae, I was diagnosed with scleroderma"

I started crying in front of Pierce Dining Hall. She was telling me she was doing research and she told me to stay strong. She told me if I didn't know what it was I should research and help her out. She was telling there was no cure and I started crying. She didn't hear me cause I just didn't want her knowing I was scared and worried because it's Finals week. She was telling me everything in the house was going to change. Like what kind of soaps and cleaning supplies we use are going to be eco-friendly (i guess thats better for both me and my mom).

There's a healing mass on May 23rd, my dad's birthday. I really need to step up my game in being a better daughter. I need to work harder in school. Fuck my birthday, I'm spending Mother's Day the way she deserves it. I don't need anything. I just need her to be better. I should've went to church. I should've prayed harder when the signs were showing.

I should've been better.