Contemplation

I'm sitting here with the lights off, iPod blasting, and just thinking about a few stuff. I've come to realize that James and my brother, Marc, are practically the same. Lost in their way and education on their shoulders. I remember when Marc first failed college when he went to Rutgers University. We all thought he was going to do great things at Rutgers, but I guess he got side tracked by his girlfriend. None of us liked her. We all thought she was a distraction and we just didn't like her attitude and aggressiveness and how she tried changing my brother.

Then I think of myself. Am I that girl to James? His parents must hate me, and I can't blame them. He did get sidetracked, but I didn't really force him to do that. Then I started to think about his sisters. How I absolutely adore them, but I feel like they just don't like me. Just how I didn't like Marc's girlfriend. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe it's the truth because I was in his sister's position. Family breaking down cause of the older brother and his stupid mistakes.

I just want him to pass and honestly I thought he was doing so well in second semester and we could at least have a happy summer. It's whatever though. I support him no matter what. Indae and I were talking about how its the girls who's not really sidetracked due to relationships. I've been through every ups and downs of any relationship. I've been through 4 difficult relationships, but did I falter? No, not one bit. My dad keeps telling me that I should stop getting boyfriends, so I told him, "I've had a boyfriend since 7th grade and has my grades ever dropped. No." I guess I shut him up. I graduated first honors in Junior High placing 4th in the class. I was an honor student, athlete, an A student in High School. I did alot of activities yet I still managed to keep my GPA and get into Stevens and graduate 7th in my class. Then in college I'm in Dean's List and still manage to get decent grades. I guess I use my relationships as a motivation and I kinda wish guys used it to. Since I know how my brother's been with his bad relationship, I show my family that it's my boyfriends that keep me going.

Why can't guys do that? James was telling me that he wants to show his parents that I'm a good influence and I think thats sweet. But to everyone else, i'm just someone who's slowing him down. I'm trying to push him to do great things in life, but it's hard when I'm not the one making the decisions. James is smart, but he's human...he makes wrong decisions. So I hope that wherever he goes, he knows what to do now cause honestly I don't want him messing up again. I want his family to be happy with what he's doing. Cause honestly, my brother is still doing horrible and its bringing this family down. So I want his sisters to enter college without any burden as if they were being pressured to pass...like me.

It sucks cause I'm still here working my butt off in school but its usually "Marc failed again Mae, don't do the same...you have to pass". I've got this lecture since Junior Year in High School and still get it now. Honestly, you're 2 years older than me yet we're on the same level. You pass 2 semesters and same here as well, but I'm not the one who was supposed to graduate next year. Now we don't even know what you want to do with your life. That's why I feel so burnt out in school cause I'm trying to make mommy and daddy at least proud of something they created.

Ugh, why does school have to be so difficult amongst filipino families. unitl next time.