It's been awhile.

Wow, it's really been awhile since I last blogged. Last time was probably in the summer before my freshmen year in college while I was still going out with Marc.

Time flies.

It's 6:19 in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't know maybe I'm just thing too much or the fact that I just took a nice hot shower. Maybe it was the $5.50 Red Bull I drank to do my Humanities outline. I guess that's it. I've been quite moody lately. I'm really not sure why. I think I'm in the process of hating what I've become. I hate who I am. I hate how my work ethic in school has plummeted. I don't feel as if I'm part of this world anymore. I'm so into college that the world is just passing me by. I don't even have the strength like my friends to go partying or clubbing because I'm so burnt out. And it sucks because my new relationship is taking a toll on this. I'm constantly making sure I'm not fucking up or throwing mood tantrums at James because my mind is just so discombobulated.

Sigh. I miss my high school friends. Most of all, I miss my 4 best friends that completed me. I'm nearing the end of college and I feel like I haven't found a person(s) I could vent out to. Like sure I could vent out to people (no biggie), but people have those one or two people where they are just solely attached to and are clearly meant to be friends. I feel so drifted now. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard. I'm sitting here crying because I miss the companionship I used to have with people. I just have to be patient.I think I truly forgot how to fully open up to people. Another problem I have is holding back my problems because I feel like people are annoyed at hearing me. Others told me I talked too much so I guess that was an eye opener and since then..i tried not being that person anymore.

God dammit. Why do I have to be self conscious now?

I love college, i love the people i've met (who i love), and i have a great relationship. But I don't know why I sleep at night wondering what's the missing piece that makes me feel so empty. Why when I'm in a big crowd of people that I feel isolated. My mind is so fucked up right now. I see my friends in my room and I feel so BLAHH.

FUCK MY MOOD SWINGS. What's wrong with me !